In Processing intimacy

The most potent invitation I ever received from someone verbally surrounded my ability to *receive* love. This was a former significant other of mine and at the time it was said, he was already a “was” in that particular way. We remained connected and close up until his death – but – that death is not the intended rabbit hole for this processing…though, as I type it all out, it is clear to me that it is indeed relevant in some way. 

He and I were floating in the after bliss of a ceremonial experience in which I had participated, and he had assisted. I had already begun seeing someone else and was quite happy with the shift that had been made in his and my relationship and in the relationship that I was – at that time – involved in. As I leaned back into him for physical support and not facing him, he asked me, “do you love her?” I attempted to turn around to look at him but he insisted that I did not turn around…as a matter of fact, he would not let me turn around. He asked again, “do you love her?” – with a deep inhale and thorough exhale, I said, “yes, yes I do love her.” It was then that HE himself turned me around, looked directly into my eyes (which, for the record, are the windows into my soul) and said, “then you have to let her love you back!”  I was quite taken with that statement and received it with gratitude and let it land. I did not, however, let it take root. Though, I didn’t even realize that until much more recently.

I do – what I consider – a great deal of healing work on myself. There are times that I wonder if it will ever end (the answer to that is no) and there are times that, quite frankly, I get bored of the snails pace at which *some* healing opportunities present themselves to me. That perceived *boredom* goes away immediately and is replaced with the “*HOLY SHIT* why is this all coming up so fast” energy that is in my face when a rabbit hole is ripped open and I am shown another layer that is asking for my attention, intention and healing. HAHAHAHA – I just glanced at the time – it is 11:11AM…but of course it is…

Let’s carry on

I am currently in a massive learning about myself as it relates to my relationship with myself and my intimate relationships with other people. Now, for clarity, intimacy comes in many different forms and is not – in my opinion – limited to that person or those people that you are having sex with. I mean, if we are honest, I think we can agree that “sex” in and of itself is kinda easy. You can make a shopping list while someone is having sex with you - - - but there it is, isn’t it?!? When someone is having sex with you…which says nothing about whether or not you are engaged in that process with them. And, even if you are engaged in it, fully present in the moment that is presenting itself; are you in an intimate space or are you just having sex?!? That applies across relationships…are you engaged in the intimacy of a friendship or is the friendship happening to you? Are you engaged in the intimacy of connecting with your loved ones or are those relationships happening to you - - - OR - - - are you happening to them?!? I mean, there are so many fuckin rabbit holes to choose from here and I am trying to keep myself grounded enough to process the thread that has shown itself to me without tangling it up so much more that I end up choking myself out. 

*Breathe*

As taken from Kinkly.com, “sacred kink” is “the belief or understanding that sexual practices outside of societal norms, especially BDSM, can help participants get in touch with their spirituality and become closer to a divine being.” - - - PHEW - - - Sound like a tall order for a couple of spanks and maybe a blindfold. But then again, is it “just” that?!?!? Sacred kink challenges YOU to color in your own lines and captain the expansion of your boundaries. Personal boundaries, sexual boundaries, spiritual boundaries, consciousness boundaries, all the fuckin boundaries you can imagine. Yep – sacred kink can take you there and beyond there, if you ALLOW yourself to go there. It isn’t just about getting tied up with bejeweled handcuffs, having a gag ball shoved in your mouth, taking an exit from your being and transforming into a cum receptacle or dildo casing. See – to me - that would be “just sex” as we discussed above – at least in my opinion. Though, to be clear, that kind of “just sex” is less easy than it is traumatizing or retraumatizing, depending on what kind of chapters your current story already has weaved into the whole of it all.

What I am processing right now is the acceptance of my own bandwidth and really seeing glimpses of it for maybe the first time at this level. Being able to see, embrace, celebrate and own my own divinity from this deep a place. So deep in fact that I feel completely under water at times AND I am reveling in the fact that I can breathe under here, even though that fact has the ability to take my own human breath away. Now, it would be magical and all unicorn like to say that I can see all of the all of it and throw fairy dust around like it is no big deal. That would be a fuckin LIE. The shit it terrifying - if I am being honest. Like the ground is shaking, I can feel all of the energy that I have access to in the universe pulsing through me and makes me want to throw up or cry or vanish kind of terrifying. But yet – here I am – not vanished and so profoundly aware of my own expansion AND also aware of my own ability to say “ok, that’s enough for the moment, please.” ß-----hmmmmm. let’s dive into hat last part a little more.

“Ok, that is enough for the moment, please”…Those words are powerful. A longer way to basically say “no” but not a hard no. Hard no being like “no, never” – rather a “no, not now.” What I am finding is that I am not as skilled in saying “that is enough for the moment, please” as I thought I was before now. The truth is, I am much more skilled at getting to that line and then leaving my body and diving back into the residue of victim stories that still exist inside of me. I say residue because I have done sooo much draining of that pool that it is not nearly as expansive as it once was - - - and - - - as I understand it, we can “drown” in a tablespoon of water. So, it doesn’t take much. *side note* - is it really possible to drown in a tablespoon of water or was that an unverified story I once heard from a scared parent who didn’t want me to swim on her watch lest I drown….I am not sure. *mental note* - save that rabbit hole for later.

I like feeling “out of control” on the surface. Out of control on my terms – which – by definition is NOT actually out of control at all. It is just a different layer of perceived control that is so tasty to me. What I am finding about myself is that the container of perceived control I once found so sexy is kind of a boring lover at this point. It isn’t my lack of control that I find so damn delightful – rather - it is the act of choosing to gather all of my power and purposefully hand it to another human being as a way to say, “I recognize your power and I believe you are capable of keeping my power safe while I engage in the process of expanding my own bandwidth with you by my side and with you as the pilot of the ship we are sailing in.” To me, that is the juiciest part of being truly submissive to another human being. It is an act of expanding your power – perhaps one of the most powerful things you can do, in that intimate of a space. Where you are granting access to the very fabric of your being for another person to witness you rebirthing yourself and expanding the perceived walls in which you have been living. Here is the thing - - - I have to be a good co-pilot in that container. It is irresponsible and unreasonable for me to say “ok, here is all my power and I am going to check out while you fly into the side of that mountain that I see but you don’t and then when we both wake up dead, I will be mad at you.” Wait – what?!?! Yeah, that is as shitty as it sounds, in my opinion. It isn’t limited to bedroom play either. It is applicable in basic life shit – like when I say, “you can tell me exactly how you feel”  - - - to be playing a “fair” game - - - I must also be willing to say, “ok, I was wrong, I can’t handle this right now” if that person starts jumping into layers that I simply lack the willingness or ability to sit with – for whatever reason that exists. If I take it all in and then make balls of hot shrapnel to throw in their unsuspecting face because they “should have known” is – in my opinion – dirty pool. Now, I used the word “fair” there and to be clear, I am not even a big fan of that word. I think the word sucks, actually. Made up by us humans as a way to measure and weigh shit – but – in this instance, it is the best word I have to describe what I mean. So, my gratitude to the word “fair” in this instance.

I have a great deal of spiritual/consciousness bandwidth, I celebrate the fuck out of that. It has been easier for me in the past to say that a partner (in this example, a sexual/intimate partner) has lacked the “bandwidth” to “deal” with me than it has been to see my own part in not being able to swim in a container alongside them for terribly long. What I was missing was that I had to ALLOW them access and I have been, for the most part, unwilling to do that. Remember in my example above – “you have to let her love you back” - - - well, replace her with whichever pronoun works for you and/or your current partner and perhaps that colors it in more. I have my crayon in hand – so, I am going to keep coloring here. Hope ya enjoy the picture….this is soul naked shit, to me. 

I have been so guarded and protective of myself because of actual shit that I have experienced that the idea of “allowing” someone to love me - and what I perceive as – the ugly parts was a tightrope that I have been mostly unwilling to walk along. The hilarious thing (and for me “hilarious” is rarely funny in the traditional sense) is that I cannot not actually dictate for someone else if they love all of me…they choose that. I can choose whether or not I am willing to show them all of me and that is different, clearly. It has been easier for me to avoid creating the bandwidth for myself that I need to take off my skin and show myself, all of myself to another person. Easier to walk away from my own projections of what someone else can handle when it is actually rooted in what I have space for and what I have been willing or unwilling to do. Is there truth to the idea that some past partners have lacked the bandwidth?!?! Absolutely there is truth there but it is not the whole story…it is barely even the “trailer” to the whole movie. The fact is that what I have avoided is ALLOWING the access - - - not because they weren’t capable…their capability is none of my business to weigh…but because I lacked the willingness to open up that portal in me to entertain the idea that someone could love all of me…that I could love all of me. And that is where I find myself right now…with that mystical inquiry…can I love ALL OF ME. AND – If I am a YES - - - can I create a safe space for someone else to love all of me back, without projecting onto them my own stories, limits and fear-based bullshit. The fact is that I don’t know. What I know is that I can try and I deserve that try. I deserve to be seen, heard, embraced, loved, adored, turned on, devoured, and f#cked like the very essence of life-giving oxygen lives in the bandwidth of my beingness. Because – my loves – it does AND I believe the same is true for you but that it your journey and I won’t pretend that I can be a more effective wind in your own sails than you can be. 

Ok, that is enough for the moment, please.